I can't imagine that I'm re-activating this abandoned blog for you. But I really can't keep it anymore, I need somewhere where I can't just throw all my thoughts, frustration and sadness is! Somewhere you don't know and you won't see!
I remember the day before everything happened, I wrote this Twitter without much concern because I was telling the truth.
I don't think you could have read it, because my Twitter is under locked up now. Neither do I think anybody would have shown you this. But coincidentally, everything started the next day.
Everything that you wrote really touched my heart, but I kept telling myself to not believe you because you have been doing this to every girl that you know (personal experiences were shared with me). Even when you told me you no longer were a guy with girls' contacts from A to Z, I thought, "What a joke?" even though I might have replied you that I trust you. You even said that you are serious to the person that you want to be serious with.
I didn't take anything to heart, until that night, when you told me how you wish we were meant for each other. I was really taken aback. For once, I don't know how to reply your SMS. So I just asked you, what do you really want. Your reply was just that you feel that I'm a nice girl who is take relationship seriously, and you want to know how I feel. Lots of thing that I couldn't answer you that night.
But still, I pluck up the courage to let you know how I felt. I told you that I can't believe what you said even though I know that I've already fallen for you. I thank you for being such a nice person for making me feel loved (I actually said that?). The answer you gave me was positive and that you were true to me from the start (I really doubt so when you are not even at the end), but you want to take a step at a time because you don't want to hurt me (but still you did). From that moment onwards, I decided to trust you, for whatever you had said and going to say. I pinned the hope that I can trust you even though I am ready to know the truth of the lies.
You initiated the meet up. I accepted, hoping, I really mean I hoped, to be true, that you won't just run away with some stupid excuses. I immersed myself in love yet fear for 3 days.
You went out to meet your friends even though you were injured, my thought was, so you were actually fit to meet your friends. But no matter how much you said you miss me the other night, you are not fit to even show your face to me? That night, you showed no tone of missing me. N I felt so.
Next day, I woke up, I don't know why just this feeling came into me, telling me, maybe this is all an illusion (OMG. You said this for your last msg!) or even his tricks again. He don't care about you, he didn't even miss you, and he does mind how you look like, he didn't see you as the one from the start. Wake up!
I tried stopped myself from plunging even though I know I could have fallen deep (what a joke, it only took me 2 days to love someone that deep!? I'm lousy!). I waited. Until you SMS at night, I don't know what came in to me but I just replied that I don't seem to be needed when you have your friends (I myself am also a person who put friends first, I felt so sorry after I said that) but, all you said was No. Nvm. Good night. My heart sunk. And I told myself to be prepared because it is coming to an end, I felt it. He didn't love you at all, don't make yourself a joke anymore.
Accurate enough, the next morning you told me our date is canceled because you have been recalled. Do you know my feelings when I replied you? I smirked, telling myself, Oh, What a coincidence! Then, I asked myself, how come you want to trust him from the very beginning? You see, it is never successful. Don't be naive to think that love has actually arrived. Don't be so complacent to think that there's someone who actually thinks that I'm the one. Don't think that you can change someone. The leopard never changes its spots. You ran away once again.
But I didn't tell you all that. I just told you, it's alright. There's always next time.
For that few more hours, I tried to tell myself, maybe I can just trust him for one last time. But my answer came to me the next day.
And then. I knew what's coming again. Game over. A short game that produced so many false hopes. A lousy game that I choose to be involved. A love game that lies spread all over!
Do you know that it doesn't help saying all those things in your last message? What do you mean by I am the one for you but you are just an illusion to me? WHAT? You mean I've been talking to a ghost for the past 1 week? WHAT? You mean you've got split personality?
Everything just sound nonsense to me! The truth, and truth from the start, was that you are a BIG LIAR with a glib tongue! You have never taken me seriously! So much so for wanting to protect me, don't want me to get hurt, but still welcome to the "Hurt Florence Deep Club"! You can join the other 2 bastards (alright, they are not even my ex I know), by all means.
Miracle doesn't happen. Yes. You said it and proved it! Leopard is forever a leopard.
I'm a leopard too, I never stop believe. A dumb leopard.
But still, don't worry, I don't hate you. I will still call you my friend. But I don't know how much of you I can trust from that day onwards. Probably your next message will just make me amused again. Bastard friends, I've got plenty, welcome to their bastard club too!
Yes, when I said I want you to still be my friend, I really mean it. I can't trust your love, but I definitely trust your friendship which has been for so many years. Don't tell me that's a lie too, I think I might just push you into a big fire!
I know, I'm writing all these to just make myself feel better. And I know how much I wish my phone rings and the message alert shows your name. I know how much I haven't walked out. I know I might just stupidly believe you when you said "I want to hug you" again, right now. I know if you turn back I'll still say yes, but still get hurt. I know how stupid I am when it comes to relationship. I know I'm always soft-hearted.
But it all takes time. Just long or short. I hope 1 or 2 months? I can't take another 3 years please. It's going to be tiring.
As usual, I'm going to do my dedications, my usual style, now.
The songs, truly to you.
The next few songs to the stupid me:
That's all. Like no point saying so much.
Anyway, don't worry. I didn't cry this time. I'm immunized and prepared enough I think. :)
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Tuesday, September 21, 2010
我是真的喜歡你嗎？
還是因為你是個很貼心的人所以這樣不顧一切的陷下去。
我不想再傷心了。
你能讓我快樂嗎？
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